Published by Suzy Soro on 27 Aug 2008 at 07:15 am
Love And Marriage Go Together Like A Horse And Stereo
The best relationship I ever had was with a man who ended up marrying someone else. Which means I remember all the others with nothing less than a shudder and a handful of Xanax.
I feel sorry for people who have only had one or two partners before they get married, and by people I mean women. I know so many who only had a few boyfriends before they tied the knot. I don’t believe men are this stupid. And if they are, their name is John Edwards and they had to cheat on their cancer-riddled wife with another woman who did NOT have his baby but nevertheless needs $15,000 a month to live on but who doesn’t and what were we talking about again?
Thankfully people are marrying later in life and have a chance to try on a few before they ring it up at the cash register. Although all sales are not final <cough> Pam Anderson.
Having been engaged three times, I highly recommend it. You have time to find out that sometimes you’re brain dead. One of the men accused me of having penis envy and I said, “You’re right. But not for yours.” I caught another one pushing my dog. My five pound dog.
“Hey! Cut that out.” I yelled.
“Well, he pushed me first.”
I ran into one of my ex-fiancés and he was with his new girlfriend. They had just returned from rehab and I was so mad because this guy never took me anywhere. One of the exes dumped me but I thought, ‘Who needs him? There are plenty more where he came from.’ And then I realized that’s the problem. There are plenty more where he came from. Ultimately, I don’t think people should break up. I think the man should just die.
I have a tip for all you women out there. If you want to turn a man on, just say these six magic words: Tell me more about yourself.
The symbol for love is an arrow through the heart. I can’t imagine how they came up with that.
Uproar is giving away three CDs of Comedians’ Guide to Women, Love & Relationships starring Dana Gould, Steve McGrew, Alonzo Bodden, and Jeff Wayne. All the guys are funny but Alonzo and McGrew really knock it out of the park. So leave a comment below and you may be chosen. Winners announced on Friday.
CYA this Friday.
dana on 27 Aug 2008 at 8:23 am #
Here are the three reasons why I should be awarded the CD:
1) my name is dana
2) I’m the first one to post a comment
3) I need to know what my love god is really thinking when he’s telling me I’m special.
Beckie on 27 Aug 2008 at 11:07 am #
If I lose this contest I will cry. And possibly send you vegetables instead of chuckles in my next package. Which is only like 18 weeks behind schedule which I totally blame one a) my dumbness b) my vacation c) my job stressing me after vacation d) my wisdom tooth attacking another tooth and causing an emergency extraction which involved needles - lots of needles - and I fuckin HATE needles and last but not least e) my dumbness. So if you forgive me for all the delays, I’ll know because I will finally win a dam contest! If I don’t win, I’ll know you don’t forgive me and will make sure my package includes turnips (those will be in season in like December right???).
Cathi on 28 Aug 2008 at 12:32 am #
Very very valid points here Suzy.
From a serial runaway bride, sans the buggy eyes.
Cathi
MereCat on 28 Aug 2008 at 10:16 am #
I’ve been married TWICE. How dumb am I? Must have CD for help.
Jenn @ Juggling Life on 28 Aug 2008 at 10:32 am #
I don’t think all those rules apply to everyone. I’ve been married for 21 years to someone I met when I was 16. I don’t think you throw away the right relationship just because you happened to meet them at an incovenient age. After being friends for 2 years and dating for 5, we were pretty sure we’d still want to be with each other umpteen years down the road. And we do.
One of the reasons I have a happy marriage is because we make each other laugh. I’m sure we could laugh together at the CD.
Heidi on 28 Aug 2008 at 10:51 am #
I agree that the man should just die. I have been married twice, the first for less than a year and the second is still going strong after 11. I also agree that women should definately date a alot before they settle down. Maybe not as much as me, like 1-2 guys every 3 months or so, over ten years… you do the math.
Each of those lasting from 1 date to three months, maybe with overlap.
Anyways, you don’t have to enter me, unless you really want to, because I won the last giveaway and I am still enjoying my Richard Jeni CD. Thanks again.
suburbancorrespondent on 29 Aug 2008 at 8:26 pm #
I desperately need something (besides this post) to make me laugh. Pick me.