When you’ve gone pro in standup, there are certain topics that are off limits because they’re hack premises. That means they’ve been done to death, and by funnier people than you, and you can’t touch it with a ten foot pole unless you’re Sam Kinison, who’s dead, or Bill Hicks, who’s also dead, or Mitch Hedberg, dead, or Richard Jeni, also dead. It’s all Spanish for don’t talk about it. It’s a pity this list isn’t widely distributed as it would cut down on internet gibberish by half. It would eliminate blogging entirely. Well, not MY blog.

This is a list of things to avoid talking about if you’re trying to be funny:

The turbans Indians and Pakistanis wear
Any feminine product that has wings
Saying you paid someone to give you a compliment
Robert DeNiro impersonations
Jack Nicholson impersonations
Al Pacino impersonations
Sarah Palin impersonations still okay

One of the biggest hack things in standup is to get the mic in your hands and then turn to the audience and refer to the club and say, “Where’d they get this mic, Radio Shack?”

Since Radio Shack is on its last legs it made me think of this picture of my Radio Shack mic. I know it’s really old because on the bottom it says Made in the United States of America. When I started collecting vintage mics a few years back, I found it on EBay. You are looking at an original Economy King microphone. That means nothing by the way.

Notice my lack of dusting skills. And if you can’t SEE the dust on the base, trust me, it’s there.

CYA this Friday.

The first time I heard his name was at a benefit I was doing at The Laugh Factory here in Hollywood. We had to be squeaky clean because there were children present. Comics don’t like kids in an audience. Why don’t you just ask us to play for the Pope? I made the kids laugh but not intentionally. I make strange sounds when I imitate my French mother and the kids thought that was funny so they laughed over those punch lines. Thanks.

Then Dane Cook came out and made them – and the adults - laugh. On purpose. I hadn’t ever seen a comic pull that off so I was impressed. Another funny comic, John Pinette, was on the bill with us and was virtually hamstrung because his act was so dirty. At the time I was part of an online newsgroup called alt.comedy.standup. I took that story into the newsgroup and was surprised at the amount of comics who said they didn’t like Cook. But if you read my list of what comics are like you’ll remember we hate everyone.

Myspace wasn’t yet the phenomenom it has become and someone told me he had over 100,000 friends back then, in the year 2000. Today he has 2,422,976 friends, which translates to 60,575 pages. I’ve tried Googling a lot of comics from my generation and am always surprised how more than 75% have no web presence at all.

In Rolling Stone Magazine, Dane said: “The influence of the Internet on comedy is what television was to radio when it first emerged. It’s the most important tool any comedian can implement into their career. The thought that I can post a new routine and, potentially, millions of people can hear it moments later, react and share it – no more waiting for calls to appear on late-night talk shows, no more head honchos of a network plucking you out of a nightclub circuit. No more waiting: If you want to entertain people, you can. It’s up to you to gather your fans for your own personal programming. That’s powerful.”

In that same magazine, the legendary Albert Brooks is quoted as saying, “Large amounts of opinion too early in an artist’s life is like a cancer.” Meaning that you don’t want to fail in front of large crowds because that may be your only shot. Start in smaller cities before you hike to NY or LA. I think this actually applies to all careers. People never forget the first year intern who accidentally killed his patient. Thank God.

The Internet is a behemoth that is officially out of control. The New York Times pointed out the number of people watching some SNL bits. 14.3 million people watched Tina Fey’s first take on Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin online vs. 10.2 million on TV.

TV should be afraid. Very afraid.

Happy Halloween and CYA next week.

I got this off Punchline Magazine:

National Lampoon joins forces with Uproar Entertainment for new audio division

28 Oct, 2008  | by Chase Roper

After getting over the initial surprise that National Lampoon is a publicly traded company (NLN), I was excited to read the announcement of the  worldwide distribution agreement with Uproar Entertainment for the company’s recently launched audio label.

National Lampoon has a rich history in the audio space, starting with the National Lampoon Radio Hour back in the early ’70s, and featuring Chevy Chase, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, and Bill Murray, along with the many other comedy geniuses of our time.” said Daniel Laikin, National Lampoon Chief Executive Officer. “National Lampoon has produced a number of Grammy nominated comedy albums and we look forward to building on that legacy.”

The new audio division has plans to release a minimum of 12 titles each year and will make them available in retail outlets as well as all digital distribution platforms.

I love Wanda Sykes. When you’re a comedian, people always ask you who your favorite comic is. When it comes to men, it’s easy but when it comes to women it’s a lot harder. First of all, there are less of us to choose from. But hands down, Wanda always comes out on top for me.

I’ve followed her career from The Jon Stewart Show to the current The New Adventures of Old Christine. She has a persona that is so unique, so memorable; she’s a one of a kind comedian.

I rented Mother-in-Law with Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez ONLY because Wanda was in it. However I did draw the line at Pootie Tang although I love Louis CK (director) and Lance Crowther. (star)

I’ve owned her first book for years but never read it. It was published in 2004, right before Bush was reelected and everything she says in the book is the same today, four years later. But the way she says it is hilarious.

I’ve long hated the Space Program and the billions of dollars we waste every year to see if spiders can live in zero gravity. And apparently Wanda agrees with me:

“Bush announced an initiative to spend twelve billion dollars to create a permanent moon base by 2020. That’s the first smart thing that he has proposed. He knows by the time he gets through, we will be so fucked on this planet that we’re going to be needing another home real soon. We’re not getting our deposit back on this one. We’re going to have to sneak off and move in the middle of the night. …What have we learned from our space travels? Seriously? What have we learned or discovered that affects our daily lives? Nothing. We’re spending billions of dollars in outer space for what? Why don’t we spend just half of that to find out who shot Tupac.”

I’m only sorry this book, Yeah, I Said It, wasn’t an autobiography but just a series of rants. Although she has a new book out but Amazon.com won’t let me peek inside. Didn’t they used to let you do that?

CYA next week.

This year’s winner of the 33rd San Francisco Comedy Competition was Steve White.

I’ve known Steve for over 15 years but we’re not friends, just peers. The first and only time I worked with him was in some hell hole in New Jersey or Long Island, it all runs together in my head. I even remember the line-up, Barry Weintraub was the MC, I was the middle act and Steve was the headliner. Back in those days I watched other comics’ acts. Now I run screaming into the night.

So I watched Barry and he killed, then I killed and then Steve died like a dog. At first I thought he might be trying out new material so after 5 minutes and he was still tanking, I asked Barry if it was just me or was White dying? Barry agreed he was dying.

Steve was managed at the time by Tony Camacho and Rick Messina. Messina rarely showed up at gigs but Tony was always there. I asked him why White was the headliner. I had had a lot of trouble with Rick Messina and in NY he treated me like shit. Once he saw me live. ONCE. And then cancelled 2 months of gigs on me. Not in advance, which would have been the decent thing to do to an impoverished comic, so I could try and get more work, but 4 days before each job. Week after week this happened until I asked Tony what was going on.

“He doesn’t like you, what can I say?” And since Tony had seen me first and booked those two months, this was Rick’s way of punishing Tony as well.

But none of this explained Steve White’s toilet dunking set. So I asked Tony why he was headlining and Tony said that’s how Rick created headliners, throwing them into unsuspecting crowds who had to suffer through 45 minutes of bad mateial while Barry and I fielded questions about why the last guy sucked.

All in all it was a great way to create headliners but I never liked Camacho or Messina after that. Tony’s still stuck booking acts in Jersey; Messina handles Tim Allen and Drew Carrey.

After I found the first Bob Hope book, I had no intention of looking for another one. I had once spent twenty minutes outside a used book store trying to remember whether I already owned Eye on Cavett. I knew I owned one of the Dick Cavett books and rather than throw ONE WHOLE DOLLAR down the toilet I stood there and debated with myself. Meanwhile I would have walked into Neiman’s and bought a shirt I already owned WITH NO PROBLEM.

I bought the book and didn’t already have it. I was so thrilled you’d have thought I discovered radium. Even though I have no idea what radium is or does. And don’t tell me; I got through high school and 2 universities without having to take chemistry so don’t ruin it for me now.

Then I found this Bob Hope book published during WW2. It’s not the oldest one I own, that belongs to Jokes for All Occasions, published in 1921 and full of zingers like this:

“What’s the penalty for bigamy?”
“Two mothers-in-law.”

This Bob Hope book was written in 1944 and I bought it for $20.00. The cover was in tatters and lovingly covered with plastic. For $20.00 it BETTER have been lovingly done. 

I was struck by three things:

The book is extremely funny for all that was going on in 1944.

Through the courtesy of Bob Hope the royalties from the publication of this book belong to the National War Fund. In 1944, the War Production had curtailed the use of paper by book publishers. So to get around this, they used lighter weight paper and more words on the page and smaller margins. Maybe we should have continued that tradition?

And then Mr. Hope wrote this at the beginning of the preface to his book:

I saw your sons and your husbands, your brothers and your sweethearts. I saw how they worked, played, fought and lived. I saw some of them die. I saw more courage, more good humor in the face of discomfort, more love in an era of hate, and more devotion to duty than could exist under tyranny.

Except for seeing someone die, I can say the same thing because I’ve been there.

CYA next week.

I collect comedy books. Ones either written by comedians or ones about comedians. I have about 85 of them. A lot of them are out of print and hard to track down and sometimes I’m in a used book store in Alabama and can’t remember what I own. Some of them are just hilariously titled, like This Cat’s Got 9 Lives, about Richard Pryor, written in 1982. Or Help! I’m a Prisoner in a Chinese Bakery by Alan King, written in 1964 and autographed to “Eve, the columnist who has helped my career so much. Love and Thanks, Alan.” The original price was cut out of the book flap and I paid $8.00 for it a few years ago so you know it must have cost $1.99 back in 1964.

The man who really had the biggest influence on me was Bob Hope. When I was a little girl my dad used to talk about him, how he went overseas and entertained all the soldiers. I asked my father what exactly he did and Dad said he told jokes and sang and danced and took a lot of women on these trips with him. I’m pretty sure my mother shot him a look over that line.

“Do you think I could go with him one day? I’m a woman.”

“Well maybe when you’re a little older.”

“How much older?”

“A LOT older.” 

From his tone I could tell that conversation was over. Then he said “Can you tell jokes or sing or dance?”

“Nooooooooooooooooo.”

“Well then, you’d better learn.” 

I’m sure my Dad thought I’d forgotten that story but I romanticized Bob Hope and those nameless soldiers until I actually got to do USO and MWR tours myself. 

This is the first book I found about Mr. Hope, written in 1966 with no ghost writer and it’s hilarious. The book reads like one long set. Some of the many women he took to Viet Nam: Janis Paige, Anita Bryant, Jill St. John, Joey Heatherton, Carroll Baker undoubtedly had a hell of a time. He was such a legend, even in 1966, that I’m sure they were all treated royally. For him, until he retired, it was all about taking beautiful women to horny guys. Now they send Bruce Springsteen. 

Bob Hope was one of those comedians that all comics owe a debt of gratitude to, for many reasons. He brought laughter to war, not many people can say that. 

CYA this Friday.

(continued from Part 1)

Rappers and Rock himself, among others, have made the N Word larger than it ever was before. They’ve legitimized it. I once heard two teenage white boys on skateboards on Hollywood Blvd calling each other nigger.

To quote the founder of Q-Comedy, Aaron Yeagle, excerpted from his interview in Punchline Magazine:

PL: Is “fag” different than “faggot?”
AY: “Faggot” is a whole different matter for some reason. It still carries a lot of its negative power and I can’t tell you why. It’s really unacceptable in any conversation.

And then later on in the interview:

Take a look at the N-word. Within the community it’s an acceptable form of self-expression but outside of the community it’s completely unacceptable. The N-word, however, has not lost its power where “gay” has lost its power, moved into the general vocabulary - “That’s so gay.” - while not entirely appropriate, is completely powerless and will soon fade. “Fag” is still relegated to the gay community but may soon wend its way into the general vocabulary as a powerless word.

For me to be so removed from this special that I’m talking about technical issues and racism should tell you the jokes did not jump out and stick with me. I remember one funny group of words when he was talking about anorexic girls, “cheerio belt wearing.” I also remember one funny joke about John McCain, “John McCain old. John McCain OLD. John McCain is O L D. And he’s already hired a nurse.”

And therein lies the other annoying thing about this special. The constant repetition of set ups, a trick Jay Leno uses to drag his cold open into 18 excruciating, protracted minutes. For example, “You know what happens when a mama bird leaves the nest? Do you know what happens when a mama bird leaves the nest? Well I’ll tell you what happens when a mama bird leaves the nest, blah blah blah.” It’s a time filler and I guarantee you if someone timed this 85 minutes and removed the superfluous repetitions and endless swearing, this baby would clock in at 65 minutes. Or less.

Which leads me to this. All the slight of hand, editing tricks, endless repetitions and swearing seems like a substitute for what Rock knew wasn’t there. Killer material.

What’s really telling is that I can’t even remember the name of the special.

CYA next week.

I love Chris Rock. And if you read my recent list of 25 things about comics, you’ll remember that we hardly like anyone. It’s a hazard of our business to dissect comedy with a more critical eye than the guy who has a couple of beers and watches it from his Lazee-Boy. So let the Critical Eyeing Commence.

I did not love his new XXX rated HBO special filmed in Johannesburg, London and New York. Starting with the editing. What has editing got to do with comedy? In my case, plenty. Roller coaster cuts interspersed with close-ups where you could see his bicuspids  takes me out of the experience. And the edits rock you mid sentence from one town to another. A sentence begins in New York, jumps to London and ends in Johannesburg. One sequence is repeated over and over and OVER in each town, I suppose to look clever. Instead I just prayed for the editor to die.

Most comics will tell you there is nothing funnier than the word ‘fuck,’ unless you use it 20 zillion times in 85 minutes. And when Chris adds the words ‘nigger’ and ‘motherfucker’ and ‘faggot’ and ‘pussy’ ad nauseum the jokes were lost in an ocean of needless swearing. The entire last 4 minute bit is about using ‘pussy’ as a bargaining chip. Not clever and not funny. I was sorry that I knew he had two little girls at home.

There’s nothing funny about the word ‘nigger’ or ‘faggot,’ words he tries to demystify with this statement “It’s not the word that’s bad, it’s the context in which it’s used that is bad.” Uh. No.

Did you read about the Florida 7th grade teacher who wrote this on his backboard about Barack Obama? C H A N G E. Come Help A Nigger Get Elected? He got suspended with no pay for 10 days whereas that idiot Imus got fired. Where did this teacher get the idea that language would work in front of CHILDREN?

Chris mentions that racism is alive and well in America. Ya think?

To be continued tomorrow. It does not get prettier in case you’re wondering.

CYA tomorrow.

1. We never laugh at anything.

2. Because we can see the punch line coming from around the corner.

3. Unless it’s from a fellow comic who we admire.

4. And there aren’t a lot of comics we admire.

5. Practically none at all.

6. Maybe 4.

7. 3 of whom are dead.

8. Friends have a compulsion to email us ‘funny’ stuff.

9. If you’re one of these friends, please stop.

10. People tell us jokes and say ‘you can use that if you want.’ If the joke was written by someone else, no, we can’t use it.

11. Ever.

12. Female comics are not called comiDIENNES.

13. We’re just called comics.

14. Or bitch.

15. If a book jacket says the book is Laugh Out Funny.

16. We know it’s going to suck.

17. If a movie is called a Comedy.

18. People need to open a dictionary and look up the meaning of that word. 

19. Socially we’re duds.

20. We’re very serious at parties and if asked what we do for a living and we say ’standup comic’, people will inhale sharply.

21. We use that moment to steal hors d’oeuvres off their plates.

22. And we don’t care.

23. About your job, your family or your new shoes because in our head we’re writing a joke about your job, your family and your new shoes.

24. And it will be funny.

25. Because that’s what we do.

CYA next week.