The best relationship I ever had was with a man who ended up marrying someone else. Which means I remember all the others with nothing less than a shudder and a handful of Xanax.

I feel sorry for people who have only had one or two partners before they get married, and by people I mean women. I know so many who only had a few boyfriends before they tied the knot. I don’t believe men are this stupid. And if they are, their name is John Edwards and they had to cheat on their cancer-riddled wife with another woman who did NOT have his baby but nevertheless needs $15,000 a month to live on but who doesn’t and what were we talking about again?

Thankfully people are marrying later in life and have a chance to try on a few before they ring it up at the cash register. Although all sales are not final <cough> Pam Anderson.

Having been engaged three times, I highly recommend it. You have time to find out that sometimes you’re brain dead. One of the men accused me of having penis envy and I said, “You’re right. But not for yours.” I caught another one pushing my dog. My five pound dog.
“Hey! Cut that out.” I yelled.
“Well, he pushed me first.”

I ran into one of my ex-fiancés and he was with his new girlfriend. They had just returned from rehab and I was so mad because this guy never took me anywhere.  One of the exes dumped me but I thought, ‘Who needs him? There are plenty more where he came from.’ And then I realized that’s the problem. There are plenty more where he came from. Ultimately, I don’t think people should break up. I think the man should just die.

I have a tip for all you women out there. If you want to turn a man on, just say these six magic words: Tell me more about yourself.

The symbol for love is an arrow through the heart. I can’t imagine how they came up with that.

Uproar is giving away three CDs of Comedians’ Guide to Women, Love & Relationships starring Dana Gould, Steve McGrew, Alonzo Bodden, and Jeff Wayne. All the guys are funny but Alonzo and McGrew really knock it out of the park. So  leave a comment below and you may be chosen. Winners announced on Friday.

CYA this Friday.

Alonzo Bodden was the winner of the $250,000 grand prize in Season 3 of Last Comic Standing, where comics from seasons 1 and 2 faced off against each other. He was the runner-up in Season 2 and seriously, is anyone watching that show besides comedians?

I normally don’t like comics who depend on their race to be funny. Cosby never mentioned he was black and he made a buck or two off the genre. But Bodden talks about it and gets it out of the way in the first two tracks of Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time. And the rest of the CD dispelled any notion for me that he was relying uniquely on his race. I can’t help but quote these two great jokes:

I am in fact black and not African-American; I don’t make that kind of money yet.

The USO sent me to Greenland. You have any idea what it’s like to be black in Greenland? First thing, soon as you get there you gotta tag the other black guy and tell him he can leave.

Bodden is a sports fanatic and his bit on Darryl Strawberry is absolutely hilarious. His appeal to men is huge and he breaks down problems trying to get women, why men prefer big boobs, shopping at Victoria’s Secret with a woman who is only a friend and the distinction between being friends with a woman and being a boyfriend. But as much as I think he might appeal more to men, I know he’s a crowd favorite across the board. And God knows I’ve been wrong before.

He’s a 9.5 out of 10 on the Clean Meter for those of you shopping for gifts, and the few swear words he does use aren’t anything you wouldn’t hear on Showtime.

CYA next week.

Kathleen Madigan is hilarious. Her eponymous first album was recorded live after she won Female Comedian of the Year at the American Comedy Awards. I had only met her once before and after her win she happened to walk by my table. I stopped her, re-introduced myself and congratulated her. She was very gracious and said, “Oh my God, I love your TV show, Sisters.”

Which was a very nice thing to say if only I had been on that show. Turns out she meant Swoosie Kurtz. Swoosie, Suzy. I get it. Then I spent months obsessing about it because ohmygod do I look like Swoosie Kurtz? WHO IS A LOT OLDER THAN ME.

Kathleen’s style of comedy is joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke BODY SLAM joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke. She’s so conversational in her delivery that it sounds like something just popped into her head and she decided to share. The volume of material she pumps out is staggering compared to most comedians. And by most comedians I mean me.

I heard a long time ago that she had only been doing standup for about four years before she was tapped for The Tonight Show. Unless the story is apocryphal I’m not surprised. Trust me, not many people got on with Johnny after only four years in the business. The Tonight Show under Carson used to require that you tell 4 jokes per minute. My agent would make me crazy with this because as hard as I tried, I could only do 3 jokes a minute. Kathleen does a thousand jokes a minute or maybe it just seems like that because I’M BLIND WITH JEALOUSY.

This CD contains her early work and is a perfect time capsule for what was going on in the world back then. Think you’ve heard all the OJ trial jokes? Well, not the way Madigan tells them.

On the Clean Meter she’s a 9.5 out of 10 and if you know anyone from St. Louis, for God’s sakes put down that beer and buy them this CD.

CYA this Friday.

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor and author who won four Grammy Awards for his comedy albums.

Carlin is noted for his political insights, his black humor and his observations on language, psychology, religion and on many taboo subjects. Carlin and his “Seven Dirty Words” comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a narrow 5-4 decision by the justices affirmed the government’s power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves.

In the 1990s and 2000s, Carlin’s stand-up routines focused on the flaws in modern-day America. He often took on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture.

He placed second on the Comedy Central cable television network list of the 10 greatest stand-up comedians, ahead of Lenny Bruce and behind Richard Pryor.[20] He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and was also the first person to host Saturday Night Live.